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Some days are just worse. I barely woke up, struggled with feeding myself normally, and now I'm hiding in the "relax zone" because I just can't stand being perceived. Only guys nearby are discussing AI (again, always), ew.
I've made progress on understanding why getting out of bed in the morning is so horrible for me, and it seems that some wires got crossed and the anxious part of my brain doesn't understand that I'm doing it willingly. So I feel scared and pressured and panicky, *over something I chose*. Brain, why.
In a tense moment, I barked at my team lead that "I have ADHD, I can't remember a six-figure number!". Now I get to feel bad for claiming a diagnosis I don't officially have, for oversharing, and for not being good enough.
ughhhhhhh it's always so much fun when I'm having a Brain Moment. I need to change my bedsheets and my pyjamas. I can't change my bedsheets because I haven't washed my hair today. I can't wash my hair now. I can't change my pyjamas today if I'll be changing my bedsheets later this week, because I need to wear clean pyjamas to newly changed sheets, and I can't wear pyjamas just a couple of days. But I need to change my pyjamas and my bedsheets.
aww yeahhhh, I win! pyjamas are changed (after slippery-sloping my brainweasels to death by replacing one dirty piece at a time), bedsheets are changed (for a wrinkled set from the to-iron pile, so it Doesn't Count), I'm clean and in bed. Ha.
Today I was supposed to sow tomatoes and other plants, but I ran out of energy. There is only so long I can manage to push myself into things with willpower only, and this was a day too far. It wasn't all that nice - I felt upset and guilty and angry with myself - but in a way, enforced rest days rarely are, are they? If I overdo it on a hike, can't walk the next day and have to take the day off, it's because I'm *hurting*. So I guess today my heart was hurting.
I did do a few scraps of things I genuinely, internally wanted to, and I think I needed that. One of my mental health issues is that I have pushed myself into things so long that I've lost the ability to listen to my internal motivation. I get myself to do things by arguments and forcing through a wall of negative feelings. It's... not very effective. It's a miracle I am still somewhat functioning, honestly.
I think I just feel emotions more strongly. I always feel icky when I frame it like that, because I've seen people talk about being "highly sensitive" and it's always with such a tone of superiority: I've been born *better*, you know? Being smug about something that you got by chance and other people can never have is so mean, to my eyes.
But anyway. Yes, I think some sensors somewhere inside me are tuned all the way up. I've seen it described as "nervous personality" - and that's the other face of that smugness, being described as "nervous" is always a criticism, something that makes you a worse specimen, good people are not nervous, you know? Still, I think I'd rather reclaim nervousness than pat myself on the shoulder for high sensitivity.
Emotions are a lot. I stare at the deep blue sky, and the contrast of the lit up bare branches against it, and it's so beautiful I feel insane with it.
Ooof. This work meeting left me wiped. Difficult topic, unclear objectives, lots of emotions and stubborn snappish people (including me, I'll admit). Even our technical lead started snapping, and he's usually the "hee hee" kind of guy. And I was the one trying to moderate that mess. I did my best, and we do have a decision, so at least that's that.
I wish that mention of Stoicism wasn't so relevant to my current mental state. I'm at work, I don't want to be here, I crave the high of looking forward to something, I should be living in the now but now *sucks* - only it doesn't, objectively, I don't think I can get a better job. But I'm bored. It's one task after another. It's same-y, I'm checked out, my brain has decided that we're not into it anymore and it feels like being stabbed by a nail over and over and over for 8 hours straight five days a week.
I removed all fic from my mobile reader app. And then all the other books. It felt great. The dopamine I've been wringing from my latest fandom/ship fixation ran dry, and I've been circling through the heap trying to wring the last drops out. Not great.
I'm allowed to want more, even if other people have less.
This is my main hang-up with stoicism. Maybe I'd be happier if I settled with what I have. But what if I'm suffering needlessly? What if I could make some effort, and it would get better?
I'm reading Richard Dragon: Kung-fu Fighter, because I saw it recced for Lady Shiva appearance, and... Boi. It's so bad. I'm skimming more than reading and I'm *still* losing IQ points. Oh, and it's apparently a pre-Cain Shiva, so it's not even relevant. Sigh.
I went home early. It feels wasteful, but I don't have to only go home early when I have Something To Do. Just last night I felt upset because I won't get any real free time over the weekend (procrastinating on important tasks does not count). So, free time! Get some rest, kid.
Status: pissed off like *something*. I just wanted to buy nyloc nuts for my scooter's mirrors, to keep them from losening. Now I have no nylocs, no original nut, and can't ride. (The thread isn't metric, nobody around sells non-metric anything, and I misplaced the original nut in the multiple trips to hardware stores.)
My brain is repeating "I wanna go home", which mostly means "I feel bad and unsafe, please make this go away". Only I *am* home. That always hits really badly.
Maybe I don't have anything to say. Maybe the novelty wore off faster than I expected and now this page is teetering on the edge of "another task on the list".
What if I just didn't use it until I feel like it, even if it would take literal years?
Welp. After I managed to sign up for a pension plan completely online, I thought I could set up an investment plan the same way. Same bank, nothing ambitious - all I want is to throw a $50 at a managed investment portfolio thing each month, ffs - but oh no. No can do. I've redone the EU-mandated investment questionnaire three times, got a super vague error message about my answers not being compatible each time, and finally I assume some automatic counter gave up on me and told me to make an appointment at a branch. Grrrreat. Looking forward to talking with a human (not).
I've accomplished a few things, yet I have done nothing from today's work plan. Now I'm drinking tea after lunch, and somehow I don't have a single task I could do sitting on the couch? What the hell...
I'm watching a video about 90's romances being better than current romances, and it's such a bizarre experience. The speaker is a big fan of 90's romances, and she assumes the viewers are too, and I'm... not. And yet, the features she points out, they make sense! I agree with them! Even though those movies are unpleasant and cringy for me. Innnteresting.
A few times today I've started composing an update in my head, but then something distracted me and I forgot. And so, there's nothing. I did not go back to bed today either, even though it was a struggle. I bought tickets for three dance performances from the local dance festival taking place in May, and although I suspect I will hate myself a little (that's a lot of events in one month for me) they all looked so good I could not resist. I worked in the garden. I made crepes for a late lunch. I napped a lot. It's been a nice day.
godddddd I think the missing naps are coming for my ass, big time. I had therapy at 8, then tried to run some errands, but my mood and energy has been rapidly draining throughout and since I returned all I'm able to do is sleep. And I'm going to the opera tonight...
Working from home is lovely because I could flop down on the couch and nap right after I clocked out, but now I still have an hour to get something done and I'm just not in the mood to do anything.
AI chat window: "Thinking..." Bitch, it's not thinking, it's running a weird, unintelligible neural network soup that we only have a tangential control over. This is the 21th century equivalent of prayer.
So I'm learning how to use AI agents in VS Code now. I'm not happy with myself.
Morning status: I'm so tired...
After a long time thinking about it and then slowly making progress, I finally succeeded in printing some of my paintings as stickers at the local photo printing shop. And... I feel meh. Frustrating. Where's my dopamine?
Mmmmm, time for a spot of thrash metal. An office neighbor is whining about self-taught programmers. "Why doesn't she go back to college?" Because of course it's a she. The lady dared to apply for a Junior position after taking a couple of Python courses during her maternity leave. How dare she expect to be taught things on the job! While being paid!
Fun fact, the guy is my former team lead, who hired me - a self-taught programmer. No idea how that tracks for him.
I've been in the office building five minutes and I've already Lost(tm) 3+ social interactions. I would like to not care about this, please. Self, it's perfectly normal for interactions to be slightly awkward. It's fine. You're alright.
I had a thought and I lost it. Since I already typed out the timestamp... no, I have nothing to say.
Cats are fed. Fish and shrimp are fed. I am fed. Somehow I still have all the morning routine steps left. It's not difficult to see qhy I keep reaching for comfort activities instead.
Day three of "no naps". I slept badly. Not sure if it's the kitten's fault or not: it felt like stress dreams, but I heard/felt her puttering around me whenever I'd wake up.Now, do I try to get to work super early, or do I use the time for some art?
I ironed the last two duvet covers *and* changed the bedsheets! Only, now my spoons are spent and I'm sitting in the kitchen browsing a fabric e-shop catalog, because taking a shower is Too Much.
Love it when a package gets delivered to some random shop instead of my chosen delivery box. I don't even know if the place is open today...
I had a nice convo with coworkers about rail transport. I think. Yay?
You know what I believe the reason is, that so many people (like me) are drawn yo self-diagnose as ADHD or autistic? It's because the label we'd get get otherwise is "nervous", or "neurotic". A personality trait, and a *bad* one: you're worse than others and *there is nothing you can do about it*. You just suck. The end. With ADHD or autism, there's advocacy, you're still a valid person, you're just struggling.
Welp. That was a very productive hour of... scrolling Pinterest.
I want to eat: hazelnut cocoa puffs with milk. I need to eat: the fresh cheese, rubbery radish, other mystery contents of my fridge about to go off. Being an adult is hard.
Good morning. It's six fucking am. I have not gone back to bed. I have folded a barely perceptible amount of my permanent pile of clean laundry. I need to hang more laundry, wash my hair, clean cat litter boxes, feed the fish, feed myself, and leave for work. That is too many steps.
I finished planning the tasks for the week. And immediately found that I need to do one a day earlier and forgot another one entirely. I'm gonna cry.
Status: researching how to actually code using AI, because my AI-brain-rotted team psyched me out and I'm not losing this job, even if it means getting rawdogged by the actual devil (= what working with AI feels like, knowing how it is ruining so many parts of my world).
Oh noooo, I was tagging my old Jaime Reyes Blue Beetle comics, went to look up if DC is doing anything with the character these days, and there is a new series but they retconned Khaji Da out of existence??? That was half of the appeal of the series! Baby alien parasite learning to be good and helping to save Earth... oh well. Not the first change I'm going to ignore (yes, Barbara is still Oracle and in a wheelchair to me.
...false alarm, it was delicious.
Fuck off, how is it almost six?! I have an hour, and then I feed the cats and start my bedtime routine. Because unless I give myself two hours I will not be asleep in time.
I bought myself a větrník but I was reading Hunger Habit during my commute and now I feel guilty and not in the mood. What a waste.
Remembered this one band I wanted to check out after seeing a sticker on a street lamp, Hemlock. Not bad! Your average shouty metal Wikipedia informs me they're thrash metal and/or groove metal. Oh well. I like some good roaring when I'm in the mood, but I'm no good at identifying the flavors. This one scratches the itch pretty nicely, though. I wish I could tell the random sticker-dealer! I bet they'd be excited that it worked.
Currently listening to: Emillio Villalba and various of his projects. Sephardica is the one I'm obsessed with, but right now I have on Soñando Al-Andalus (authored as Emillio Villalba & Mediterránea) and it's also lovely.
Stop browsing the featured pages, Crow. This site doesn't fit, and that's *fine*. You're fine. I bought a ridiculously tiny stapler and I have a hot tea, I'm fine.
I can be as negative as I want here.
I really don't deal well with this one coworker's communication patterns. He's just... always tee-heeing. But like, all the time. You know this coy, "hee hee, everything is fine, but actually" kind of thing? That. Jesus. It's a speech pattern, for all I know it might be anxiety, but I grew up with a mom who says things as jokes but actually means them so all that tee-heeing makes me want to bite his head off.
jfc, the guys are drooling over AI agents again. "I had Claude buy me groceries, it was great! It bought 15 packets of spaghetti!" Then they moved to... fully-automated kitchens run by AI and stocked by drones? Kill me now - wait, don't, someone needs to keep complaining about this or these goons will ruin the world for real.
Am I adding this instead of working? No comment. Nicer than typing it on the phone, but I'm happy to report that it's been pretty easy to type all the previous entries on the phone so I really can toss my inane thoughts here instead of social media.
Made it to work, forgot my shitty pre-made lunch, already had to interact with the guy whose probably-autism is 100% incompatible with whatever I have (he's nice, but oh god why), and this dress is more worn out than I remwmbered.
Thw weather is nice, tho. At least I get a blue sky.
Femme mode activated, someone give me a medal. I don't actually hate dressing femme. It looks good! I just feel like everyone's looking at me, judging me. Why don't you wear this all the time? Why do you dress like a guy? Are you just lazy? What are you?
I'm a queer, Karen.
Looks like I'm wearing a dress. This sure is a Monday. Aren't you glad you got out of bed early for this?
Okay self. You need more than three pairs of pants. This is a crisis. (I have more pants. They're not normal pants. They're hiking pants, or theater pants, or garden pants, or sweatpants. They're not *pants*.)
Feeding the fish with the cats is a challenge. Don't eat the fish food. Don't eat the Salvinia. Get off the tank lid. Get off me. Stop.
I'm trying to break the habit of going back to bed after feeding the cats. It's freaking hard. I don't have an easily internalized reason (I just want to have more free time to do things) and so it's really hard to fight thw combined powers of "but I'm comfy" and "I'm terrified I'll get tired later and won't be able to take a nap.". Brains suck.